


Please Don't Leave Me

by jazmine8448



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Rape Aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 07:05:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2612705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazmine8448/pseuds/jazmine8448
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Castiel, pre-established relationship. Since they got together Dean has always been clear: He loves Cas, Cas belongs to him and him alone, and he doesn't share. Cas loves Dean and would never do anything jeopardize what they have.</p><p>A newly human Castiel experiences the darker side of the human experience when he is raped.</p><p>He is traumatized and blames himself for what happened, he is terrified of Dean finding out fearing Dean will leave him.</p><p>Somehow Dean does find out and will do whatever it takes to help Castiel get past what happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Don't Leave Me

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this prompt at the Spn kink meme:  
> http://spnkink-meme.livejournal.com/89743.html?thread=35271055#t35271055
> 
> This is my attempt at getting back into the swing of writing. I haven't written anything in a while so I know it's a bit rough around the edges but I hope you guys enjoy it all the same.

Castiel wakes to a bright light shining in his eyes. After only two months of being human it’s one of the things he just can’t seem to get used to, he’d much rather wake in darkness where the harsh light can’t hurt his sensitive eyes. Of course he wouldn’t be having this problem if someone remembered to close the shades before they fell asleep.

That someone who was currently snoring softly behind him, arm draped protectively around his middle.

Despite the sun’s rude awakening Cas let a smile curve his lips as he snuggled in closer to the warmth that Dean provided, a happy sigh leaving his lips. He’d gladly stay like this forever, wrapped up in Dean’s arms. However when you become human you can only lay in bed for so long until your body needs to do its functions, like go to the bathroom.

Cas sighed again, realizing that he would have to get up and leave the comfort of his lovers arms. He tried to get out of Dean’s grip gently but that only made it tighten all the more, like Dean thought someone would rip Cas from him while he slept. 

This happened more often than not, since Cas was usually the first one up. So he tried for a few more minutes before giving up, realizing the only way he was going to be able to relieve himself was to wake the hunter up.

“Dean,” Cas whispered, being cautious of a sleeping Sam just a few feet away. After all there was no need to wake him up as well.

When there was no response from the man Cas tried again, shaking him a little in the process. It worked and he watched as Deans eyes fluttered open, looking confused for a second until his green orbs landed on Cas and a smile graced his features.

“Mornin’ Cas,” Dean said, voice rough with sleep.

“Good morning Dean.” he replied, craning his neck to give the other man a soft kiss. Dean wasn’t going to let him go that easy though. He removed as arm from around Cas’s waist and brought his hand up to cup the smaller mans cheek, changing the angle of his head a little to deepen the kiss, licking at the seam of Cas’s lips and smiling when he was granted access. They battled for dominance for a while before Cas decided to give up, moaning in pleasure when Dean swiped his tongue on the roof of his mouth.

Castiel broke the kiss off a few minutes later, breathing heavy, causing Dean to smirk in satisfaction. 

“I have to use the bathroom,” Cas said once his breathing returned to normal.

“Way to kill the mood, Cas,” Dean replied, but still had that smirk on his face so Cas knew he was only teasing. He let Cas go and watched as he went to the bathroom, closing the door softly behind him. 

Dean figured that since he was awake he might as well get up. He sat up and pushed the covers off of himself and swung his legs around to the side of the bed. He searched the floor for a moment before spotting his discarded jeans to his left, he picked them up and put them on over his boxers before standing and moving to his duffle to find a shirt. He pulled a black t-shirt out and was about to put it on when he heard the bathroom door open.He turned and watched his angel make his way over to his side of the bed, looking for his own jeans.

Cas had picked up the habit of sleeping in his boxers just like Dean did. Not that Dean was complaining. As far as he was concerned the less clothes between them the better, but with Sam sleeping in the same room they had to wear something to cover up.

“So I was thinking that when Sam gets his lazy ass up we can all go out for breakfast,” Dean told Cas, finally slipping his shirt on and picking a flannel shirt at random to put on over it.

“Sam is already up because you two don’t know how to be quiet in the morning.” Sam said, sitting up and rubbing sleep from his eyes then stretching.

“Well sorry, didn’t realize Samantha needed her beauty sleep,” Dean said sarcastically as he headed to the bathroom now that Cas was done.

Cas chuckled as he pulled his pants up, making his way over to his own duffle and grabbing a white shirt and slipping it on over his head. He didn’t care much for flannel like the two brothers and just stuck to wearing plain t-shirts without anything over it. 

Once he was done he turned to the younger brother.

“My apologies Sam, I was trying not to wake you.” Cas told sam sincerely, feeling a little guilty.

“It’s okay, I’m used to it.”

Dean came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, Sam going in once it was free, the shower turning on moments later.

Castiel walked over to his and Dean’s bed and started to fix the rumpled bedding. It became a habit of his to always make the bed, even if they were going to be leaving. When Dean had asked why he did it Cas explained that he had made plenty of messes as an angel and now that he was human he would always clean up his messes, no matter how little they are.

When Cas finished placing the pillows he felt arms snake around his middle and a chin rest on his shoulder. He leaned back into Deans embrace, content in the feel of him pressed into his back, a small smile on his face.

“I love you,” Dean breathed into his ear followed by the soft press of lips against his neck.

He turned around so he could face his lover, Dean moving his arms to place them on his hips and Cas’s moving to go around Dean’s neck. “I love you too.” he replied.

Dean leaned down and kissed Cas passionately, both moaning into each others’ mouths. They kissed for a long while, not like any of them were keeping track, but all too soon Sam came out of the bathroom and made his presence known by saying, “I thought we were going out for breakfast, but if you guys would rather eat each others’ faces then I guess I’ll just have to go myself.”

Dean pulled away and glared at his younger brother before turning back to Cas and giving him a small peck.

“Let’s go,” he said as he grabbed his duffel and keys and walked out the door. Sam and Cas grabbed their own duffels and followed Dean out to the parking lot, tossing their bags in the trunk.

“And just for that comment Cas can have shotgun,” Dean stated before climbing into the drivers seat. Cas opened the passenger door and got in as Sam slid into the back seat.

As Dean backed out of the parking lot and made his way onto the road he reached over with his left hand, putting it palm up in Cas’s lap. Cas took the hint and slid his own hand into Dean’s, interlacing their fingers.

The drive was quiet, Dean didn’t even bother with the radio, and before long they pulled into a diner called Josie’s. The three men made their way inside and as soon as they sat down--Dean and Cas on one side and Sam across from them--a blonde woman who looked like she was in her late twenties came over. She had her hair up in a ponytail and her shirt looked like it was plastered to her body, and it looked like she ordered a skirt that was two sizes too small. 

She was exactly the type of woman that Dean used to flirt with until he got together with Cas.

“Hi, my name’s Amanda and I’ll be your waitress today. What can I get for you guys?” She asked with a huge grin.

“I’ll have coffee, black and an egg and cheese biscuit with sausage,” Sam said and Amanda nodded writing it all down before turning to Dean.

“I’ll also have a coffee, black and a blueberry pancake stack with a side of bacon, extra crispy.” Again Amanda nodded and wrote down his order.

“And what about you handsome?” She asked, looking at Cas. Dean frowned at her but she didn’t notice.

Cas turned from where he had been absentmindedly looking out the window. 

“Uh, I’ll just have whatever he’s having,” Cas told her, looking pointedly at Dean.

The waitress noted his order, looking up and giving Cas a flirtatious grin when she finished and turned to put their order in, swinging her hips as she left. 

Dean glared after her.

“If looks could kill,” Sam commented, noting his brother burning a hole in their waitress.”

Dean turned to his brother. “Bitch would deserve it.” He replied.

“Why? Because she smiled as your boyfriend?” Sam smirked at his older brother.

“No Sam, not just because she smiled at Cas but because she was trying to flirt with him. Cas is mine.”

“Cas is sitting right beside you and would appreciate it if he wasn’t talked about like he wasn’t here,” Castiel said.

“I’m sorry baby I just, I get so frustrated you know?” 

“Yes I do,” Cas took Dean’s hand in his and rubbed soothing circles on it and gave him a reassuring smile. Dean relaxed a little. “Besides you’re the only one I want.” And with that Cas leaned in and kissed Dean hard on the mouth, hands coming up to tangle in his hair, tugging slightly and making Dean moan loudly.

“Um, here’s your order,” Dean heard their waitress say awkwardly. 

Cas made a move to break the kiss but Dean wasn’t having it and pulled Cas impossibly closer to him, partly because he loved kissing his angel and partly to show this bitch that Cas was his.

He distantly heard Sam give a reply and Amanda walking away but he didn’t let Cas go for a while still. When they finally did break they were both panting and Cas’s cheeks were flushed a delicious pink, his mouth was also a little swollen. Dean bet that he probably looked the same.

“Well I don’t think you have to worry about her going after Cas anymore,” 

“Good,” Dean replied simply and then dived into his breakfast.

They ate in silence for the most part and when they finished Dean took out his wallet, placing cash down to cover their meal and begrudgingly placed a few extra dollar bills for a tip after Sam glared at him. They left the diner and Cas sat in shotgun and Dean held his hand out for Cas to take just as he had done earlier.

It was quiet in the Impala for a while but once they reached the interstate Dean put in an AC DC tape and started to sing along softly. Cas looked fondly at Dean and feeling his gaze Dean glanced over at Cas, he smiled slightly and brought Cas’s hand to his mouth giving it a gentle kiss before turning back to the road.

Watching Dean like this was one of Cas’s favorite things to do. He loved seeing Dean look happy and carefree, even if it was only for the moment. Even before they became a thing and he was still an angel he had loved to do it. Of course Dean had always complained about it, but now Cas knew he welcomed it because he knew that it was something Cas enjoyed.

Castiel also knew that Dean loved him immensely. He remembered when everything changed, when Dean prayed to him and finally told him how he really felt. Cas was confused at first, wondering if Dean was playing some prank on him, thought that he had somehow found out about the feelings he was harboring for the human. But no Dean was completely honest and speaking what he felt--a rarity since Dean Winchester doesn’t do feelings and hates chick-flick moments. 

Cas was surprised at what the eldest Winchester was confessing but he was also elated, and when Dean asked him if he felt the same Cas had answered by kissing him.

That was also the night he lost his virginity.

And when morning came and he was wrapped up in Dean, it was the best feeling he ever had. Of course he felt nervous too, he thought that Dean might have regretted it, maybe say that it was all a mistake and that it will never happen again, to just forget it ever happened. His worries were put at ease when Dean woke up and gave him a dazzling smile and a repeat performance.

Cas was shaken from his thoughts when the car came to a stop at a gas station. Dean let go of Cas’s hand and cut the engine.

“If anyone has to use the bathroom I would suggest doing so now because we won’t be stopping again for a while,” Dean said as he opened his door and climbed out of the Impala.

Cas decided that he better make use of the facilities now while he had the chance and went inside to find the bathroom, Sam right behind him.

He made it quick so that Sam could go in after him but when he came out Sam wasn’t waiting like he expected, instead he was at the counter buying a few things.

He went back outside and noticed that Dean hadn’t finished fueling up yet. He climbed back into the car only he got in the back seat, deciding that Sam should have a turn up front.

When Sam came out and noticed that Cas was in the back he caught the man’s gaze and nodded his thanks. Sitting in the front would mean that his legs wouldn’t be so cramped and that he wouldn’t have to look at Dean and Cas stare at each other.

Dean finished filling the tank and joined the other two men in the car, not looking the least bit surprised to find Sam in the passenger seat.

“Okay so I think there might be a case over in Riverside, Indiana.” Sam said, looking at the newspaper he held in his hand. “Six girls have been found dead in their homes over the past two weeks. Doors and windows locked from the inside and no signs of forced entry, plus they all lived in the same apartment building.”

“So ghost?” Dean suggested.

“That’s what I’m thinking.”

“Alright then. Riverside, Indiana it is.”

After driving for fourteen hours they made it to Missouri and Dean decided that that was close enough for the night and stopped at the next motel they came to. Dean went to check them in and was surprised when Dean only came back with one room key. Normally every few days he would get two separate rooms so that they could have some alone time and be intimate, but then he figured Dean was most likely worn out by all the driving he did and was just ready to sleep, that and they had to be up early to finish the drive to Indiana.

All of them walked into their motel room and Dean immediately flopped down on the closest bed, confirming Cas’s suspicions about the one room. 

Cas got to work taking off Dean’s boots and stripping him down to his boxers and then covered him up with the blankets.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” Dean mumbled sleepily, peaking one eye open to look at his boyfriend.

“You’re welcome.” Cas stripped down himself and curled up next to Dean.

It wasn’t long before he heard Dean snoring followed closely by Sam’s. He closed his own eyes and attempted to fall asleep, only he had slept in the backseat most of the drive and wasn’t really tired.

After trying to sleep for what felt like hours he pushed the covers off of himself, huffing in annoyance. This was one of the things he hated about being human, at least when he was an angel he could relax his body enough so he was in a sleep like state and shut his mind off whenever he liked, but now that he was human he couldn’t just will his body and mind to turn off.

He got out of bed and found his discarded clothes and pulling them back on. This wasn’t the first time he had ran into the problem of not being able to sleep and found that going for a walk tended to clear his mind some and tire his body a little, normally it was enough for him to at least get a few hours of sleep by the time he got back.

Cas found the motel stationary and wrote a quick note for Dean in case he woke up and then left. Glancing at his watch he saw that it was just past one in the morning, not many places were open at this hour and for that he was glad, he’d much prefer to not run into any people.

Castiel walked for about a half an hour before he saw any signs of human life in the quiet town. He saw lights and realized that it was a bar in the middle of town, nothing really unusual, but he picked up his pace a little, trying to get by quickly and unnoticed.

As he got closer he could make out a group of men hanging out in front of the bar. He took a few more steps forward when one of the men turned and noticed him. Cas stopped walking and watched as the man bumped shoulders with the guy next to him getting his attention and pointing at Cas. The other two guys must have noticed their friends looking at something and turned to have a look too. 

Cas stood frozen where he was as the first guy who noticed him smirked in a way that sent shivers down his spine, and not in a good way. Then the four men started making their way towards him. 

Cas could tell that these men were no good and he screamed in his head for his legs to move, to run back to the motel and to the safety of Dean, but they simply wouldn’t listen and he stayed rooted to the spot as the men got closer and closer, until finally they had him surrounded.

“What’s a pretty little thing like you doing out here on your own?” The first guy, who Cas assumed was the leader, said.

He opened his mouth to respond but nothing came out. His eyes widened in fear and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest. The man said something else but he couldn’t hear it over the roar of blood in his ears.

It wasn’t until he felt a hand on his shoulder that he was finally able to move and he slammed his elbow back into the man that was behind him, hearing the sound he made as the breath was knocked out of him. 

The other three men circled him and the leader got close enough and Cas punched him in the face as hard as he could, satisfied when he felt a crack. The man backed away, hands automatically going to cover his face as blood started to pour out of his nose.

“You little bitch,” he sneered, voice muffled by his hands, “you’ll pay for that.”

The two remaining men grabbed his arms and Cas started to struggle to get free but stopped when the guy he had elbowed came up behind him and held a knife to his throat.

“Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way.” The leader said, wiping the blood off of his face and coming to stand in front of Castiel once again, bringing his hand up to Cas’s face and stroking his cheek with the back of his hand. Cas glared at the man.

“Let me go,” he said. The other men just laughed.

“I guess were gonna have to do this the hard way boys.” He gestured his head to the left and Cas was dragged into an alleyway. He felt the leader of the group unbutton his pants and he started to struggle once again.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, unless you want to die.” The man holding the knife said.

“Please don’t,” Cas started to beg, “just let me go please.” He could feel tears welling in his eyes when.

“And waste a perfectly good piece of ass? I don’t think so.” The leader replied as he pulled down Cas’s zipper.

Castiel shut his eyes and prayed that it would be over quickly.

*~*

Cas finally managed to make it back to the motel by four. He knew that he must look like a mess and just hoped that Sam and Dean were still sleeping. He pulled the key out of his pants pocket with shaky hands and it took him five tries to find the slot and open the door.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he notice that the two brothers were still asleep and quietly limped his way to the bathroom. As soon as the door was closed he turned to start the shower, not even wanting to look in the mirror. He slipped out of his clothes, wincing slightly at the pain in his backside as he lifted his legs to remove his jeans and boxers before kicking the soiled clothes in a corner.

There was steam filling the room and Cas stepped into the shower, hot water pounding on his back. He grabbed the motel provided soap and washcloth and started to scrub at his body, trying to get rid of all the filth the men had put on him, but no matter how hard he scrubbed he couldn’t get rid of it. 

Cas stayed in the shower until his skin turned pink and the water started to go cold. He turned the shower off and got out, wrapping a towel around himself. 

He gathered up his dirty clothes, noticing the blood on his boxers as he made his way into the main room. He went to his duffel and shoved the clothes in the bottom and pulled out a fresh pair of boxers. He put them on and tossed the towel in a corner. He walked over to the bed that Dean was in and got in beside him.

For the most part he had been going on autopilot but now that he was laying down and not doing anything his thoughts started to consume him as what really happened started to sink in.

Silent tears made their way down his face when he realized that he was going to have to deal with this alone, he could never let Dean find out what had happened. He knows that Dean would be furious with him, furious that he had let someone else touch what was his. He knows that if he ever did find out then Dean would leave him, he’d be on his own.

He knows that Dean loved him know but he can picture the look of disgust on his face if he knew. Dean wouldn’t want him anymore, wouldn’t want something that was tainted by somebody else. Dean always said that he was his and nobody elses. When they were at the diner yesterday proved just how jealous and protective Dean was when it came to him.

Not that he minded. He loved the tingling in his body when Dean got liked that. It reassured him of how much Dean loved him, and he didn’t want to lose that.

So he would have to make sure that Dean never knew. He wouldn’t know what to do if Dean didn’t want him anymore, his whole world revolves around him and he’d be lost without him.

The thoughts kept going around and around in Cas's head and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get rid of them. The longer he laid there his silent tears turned into sniffling.

Eventually he felt lips press into the side of his neck and he went still.

"Morning Cas," Dean murmured into his skin before sucking the spot he had just kissed.

"Good morning Dean," he replied, but he could hear how shaky his voice was and there was no way that Dean missed it.

Dean lifted his head away from his lovers neck, noting the unevenness of his voice.

"Are you okay?" He asked, Cas responded by nodding his head, shutting his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at Dean.

Dean frowned, a little worried, this wasn't how Cas usually acted. He shifted and used his arm to roll Cas over so he was in his back and Dean could look at him more clearly. The streaks running down his face didn't escape his notice.

"Cas, baby, what's wrong?" He was panicking a little, wondering what could of happened during the night to make him cry.

"Nothing." Cas said. Dean could tell he was lying and was about to try to talk him into telling him when he heard a groan from the other bed and saw Sam sit up.

He cast another wavering glance at Cas and decided to wait until they were alone before bringing it up. If Cas was reluctant to tell him then he had no doubts that he wouldn’t say anything in front of Sam.

“Well I guess since we’re all up we might as well hit the road.” Dean said climbing out of bed. 

Cas breath a small sigh of relief, at least he would have time to think of an excuse to tell Dean now. 

Sam grunted in response and went to use the bathroom and Cas got out of bed too before reorganizing the sheets and blankets.

Dean pulled out some clothes from his bag and then watched as Cas made the bed. He really wanted to talk to him and have him open up to whatever upset him but he knew he was going to have to wait, so for now he just admired his boyfriend, drinking in the sight of his exposed torso and watching his muscles move under his lightly tanned skin.

As he raked his eyes down his form he couldn’t help but smirk as he noticed Cas was wearing his boxers, he must’ve accidentally chose the wrong duffle bag. Not that Dean was complaining because he loved seeing Cas wear his things.

He set the clothes down and walked up behind Cas, putting his hands on his hips. He felt Cas jump slightly and tense up at his touch.

“I love it when you wear my clothes,” Dean said hotly into his ear, tongue coming out to swipe along the shell. He expected Cas to relax but was surprised when he tensed up even more and stepped out of his hold.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” Cas said, tears stinging his eyes for reasons he didn’t understand, and going over to change into his own clothes as Sam came out of the bathroom.

“Cas it’s okay.” Dean was confused, wondering why Cas thought differently when Dean just said he loved it. However Cas just ignored him, taking the first things his hands touched from his own bag and making a quick retreat to change in the bathroom.

As soon as the door closed Sam turned to him. “Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know, he’s been acting a little strange all morning.”

“Strange like monster strange?” Dean shook his head no. 

“Just a bit tense,” Dean said, which technically wasn’t a lie, but he didn’t think it was any of Sam’s business that Cas had been crying.

“Alright, I’ll just go wait out in the car then.”

“Okay, I’m gonna take a quick shower and then we’ll be out.”

“Yeah, I won’t hold my breath on you guys being quick.” Sam said sarcastically and walked out the door.

Once he was gone Dean gathered up his clothes and knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Cas it’s me, can I come in?” 

It only took a few seconds before the door opened and a fully dressed Cas came out. He tried to walk past Dean without a word but Dean put his arm out to stop him. Cas had his head down and blinked up at the taller man when he bumped into him.

“I know you just got dressed but I was gonna take a shower and was wondering if you wanted to join me?” Dean asked, hopeful expression on his face.

“I showered last night,” Cas replied and then felt guilty when Dean’s expression went from hopeful to hurt. 

Cas wanted to but he honestly didn’t think he could stand to be completely naked around someone right now, he didn’t want to feel vulnerable again so soon. He knew it wasn’t Dean’s fault and that Dean would never force him to do something he didn’t want to do, but he also didn’t want to give him the chance to find any evidence that he might of missed.

“Okay then,” Dean said a bit stiffly, putting his arm back down by his side and letting Cas pass.

He twisted around and watched him walk out the front door, wondering what could possibly be wrong with his angel.

*~*

They made it to Riverside in record time and as soon as they pulled into their motel for the duration of the hunt Cas immediately immersed himself in the case. He took Sam’s laptop and did most of the research, pulling up the history of the building and looked for articles on any violent deaths in it’s history. 

It didn’t take him to long to find out that a man named William Jones owned the building when it was first built in the early 1900s. He used to kidnap women and rape and murder them in a secret room behind what used to be his office. Cas did some more digging and found out where the man was buried, relaying the information to the Winchesters so they could salt and burn the bones.

Overall it was an easy hunt and it only took a few days, which they were thankful for. They left town and pretty quickly after that and decided to just head in the general direction of the east coast until they find something else.

They stopped for lunch somewhere in Pennsylvania and the brother’s noticed that Cas didn’t eat one bite, instead just pushed a french fry around in the ketchup, a sad look on his face which made Dean all the more concerned. He had put a comforting hand on Cas’s thigh but the man didn’t even seem to notice.

When they had finished Sam said he’d grab the bill and Cas and Dean headed outside. When they reached the Impala Dean turned to Cas who was walking behind him and looking at the ground. Not seeing Dean stop and turn made him walk into the slightly taller man but he didn’t raise his head.

Dean sighed when Cas didn’t look at him and brought his hand up to his chin, lifting until he could finally look into the deep blue eyes.

“I love you, you know that right?” Cas only nodded his head. “Okay so any crap you’re dealing with, I’ll understand. I know you’re still adjusting to human life but any problems you’re having you can tell me and I’ll be here.” Dean continued only to get another nod.

Sam came out of the diner then and Dean dropped the issue and sliding behind the wheel, disappointed when Cas chose to sit in the back like he’d been doing for the past few days.

As they drove Dean could feel a knot forming in his stomach. He didn’t know what was going on with Cas but he knew that whatever Cas was thinking couldn’t be any good.

It pained him to think it but the only explanation he could think of was that Cas didn’t love him anymore and was afraid to tell him. In his mind it was the only thing that made sense with the behavior Cas has had lately. He didn’t want to lose him and he did love him, but if Cas decided that this wasn’t the life he wanted, that if he didn’t want to be with Dean anymore, then Dean would have no choice to accept it.

He tried to imagine it, Cas breaking up with him, telling him that he just couldn’t do it, couldn’t pretend to love Dean just to spare him from getting hurt, that it was all too much. Then he imagined Cas asking the brothers to drop him off somewhere--in the north most likely because he loved the snow--and living a normal life, meeting the girl of his dreams and getting married and, eventually, having kids.

He wanted Cas to be happy and if that meant letting him go then he would do with a smile, even if it killed him inside.

The thought made his heart clench painfully in his chest.

When they reached New Hampshire Dean called it quits and found a motel for the night. He contemplated getting one room key or two. He opted to get two, deciding that even if Cas didn’t want to talk to him that they were going to have to talk.

He tossed a key to Sam who caught before opening the door to let Cas out. When the man didn’t come out he peered into the backseat to find him sound asleep. 

Well, so much for talking tonight.

Dean had parked in front of their room so he unlocked the door and turned the light on before going back out and gathering the slumbering man in his arms to carry him inside. 

He placed Cas gently on the bed and removed all but his boxers and covered him up, then he leaned down and placed a soft kiss to his forehead and stroked his cheek. Cas shifted so she was laying on his side but didn’t wake up.

He stripped himself down and shut off the light, he laid down and pulled the covers up over himself. He rolled so he too was on his side, and moved so his front pressed against the smaller man’s back, then he draped his arm around his middle and buried his face in Cas’s hair, inhaling his scent.

They were gonna talk soon and if Cas was going to leave then Dean wanted to enjoy every last moment he had before he was gone.

*~*

The next morning Dean woke up and saw that Cas was still asleep, not wanting to disturb him he got out of bed as quietly as possible. He used the bathroom and put on some fresh clothes, noticing that he needed to do laundry, like yesterday. He figured that was just something that would have to be done before they left today. 

He took a quick shower and wrote a note telling Cas that he went over to Sam’s which was next door in room 106 and to come over when he was ready. He set the note on his empty pillow and kissed his cheek and stroked it a few times just like he had last night before leaving.

He knocked on Sam’s door and didn’t have to wait long for his brother to answer, already dressed and ready. 

“Hey,” Sam said in greeting as he let Dean in and closed the door behind him. “Did you guys get a chance to talk?”

“No, he’s still sleeping.”

“Seriously?” Sam looked surprised, not that Dean blamed him, it was very rare when Cas slept longer than them. Normally he was all ready to go and was the one pushing Sam and Dean to get their asses out of bed and get ready.

“Any thoughts on what’s been going on?” Sam continued.

“Just one,” Dean replied honestly. Sam raised his eyebrow, telling Dean to go on. “It’s gonna sound stupid, but it’s the only thing I can think of that makes sense.”

“What is it?” Sam prompted, not liking the look of worry and heartbreak on his brother’s face.

Dean took a deep breath. “I don’t think that Cas loves me anymore.” Saying it out loud felt even worse somehow and Dean didn’t like how his voice broke on the last word.

He hated talking and admitting stuff like this to his brother, but it seems he has no other choice, he’s terrified of the thought of losing Cas and if that does happen then the only person who’s going to be there for him is Sam.

“I don’t know, Dean. Are you sure you’re just not over thinking? I mean I’ve noticed that Cas seems a little distant lately but maybe he’s just dealing with something else?” Sam tried to reason.

“Like what?” Dean snapped back.

“Well he’s still adjusting to being human. I’m sure that there’s things he’s still struggling with. I can’t imagine what it must be like for him, going from an all powerful being to become powerless. I’m sure it’s taking it’s toll on him. Maybe it’s just now sinking in that he’s not the same as he used to be.”

“Maybe, but then why does he keep brushing me off? Why does he keep telling me nothing is wrong when clearly it is? Why won’t he just talk to me?” 

“I don’t know, but I can tell you this, I know that Cas not loving you is like the moon or the sun not coming up. And I know you don’t like talking about this but I’m telling you that from what I’ve seen you two were made for each other and you guys make each other happy. Also,” Sam paused for a moment before speaking again. “when I see you and Cas together it’s like I’m seeing myself with Jess.” He admitted a far away look on his face.

There was silence after that, Dean didn’t know how to respond so he just let it sink in.

Sam had a point, maybe he was over thinking and whatever Cas was going through just had to do with his change to humanity, perhaps it had nothing to do with Dean at all. Sam was also right in the fact that it must be difficult for Cas to go from being powerful to powerless, and that could be the reason he didn’t want to come to Dean, he didn’t want to show weakness and wanted to handle whatever it is on his own.

Dean felt the knot in his stomach unclench a little just as a knock sounded at the door.

“Dean? Sam? It’s me,” came Cas’s muffled voice.

Sam was closer so he opened the door to let Cas in. 

“Mornin’, Sleeping Beauty,” Dean said with a grin. Cas gave a small smile in return. 

“We’ll I don’t know about you guys, but I could use some coffee,” Sam said after a long pause.

“I also need to do laundry, so I have a feeling you guys might too. And if we’re going out we might as well kill two birds with one stone.” Dean said.

Cas tilted his head to the side at the reference but didn’t comment and Dean smiled fondly at the familiar habit.

“Yeah, alright.” Sam replied and moved to grab his bag. They all left the room and Dean and Cas went to grab their bags, throwing them all in the truck.

Cas made a move to get in the back again but Dean stopped him before he opened the door.

“Do you think you could sit up front with me today?” He asked hopefully. He didn’t get a verbal response but Cas did get in the passenger seat. Dean mentally did a happy dance.

After his talk with Sam this morning he couldn’t help but feel ridiculous at his previous idea. Maybe Cas needed reassurance just like Dean did and all he had to do was ask.

He got in, huge smile on his face that only got bigger as Cas reached over to hold his hand.

Dean played a Led Zeppelin tape as they went to a diner for breakfast and then on the way to the local laundromat. He was even humming to himself after he had cut the engine and the music stopped.

He felt happier now, thinking that Cas would come to him if it really was something big and that Cas wanted to handle it on his own.

There weren’t many people in the laundromat when they arrived which Dean was thankful for. That usually meant there were plenty open washers and dryers and they would be in and out quickly.

Dean went over to the change machine and put in a ten. He gathered the quarters once it was done and counted to make sure it gave him the right amount, which it did. He turned back around and spotted Sam helping a short elderly woman get her clothes from a dryer that was a bit too high for her to reach.

He chuckled when he noticed the elderly woman was staring at Sam’s ass. 

Poor Sammy he thought to himself with a shake of his head.

He glanced at the other side of the room and saw Cas, however he was not alone. 

There was a man that looked to be about the same height as himself who also seemed to be in his late forties. He was leaning into Cas and saying something that he couldn’t hear.

And if the fact that someone was moving in on what was his was enough to make him livid then the way Cas was cowering in fear, eyes opened wide with his back against a wall, whole body shaking and the ragged breathing was enough to make him downright murderous.

He shoved the quarters in his pocket and marched over to the mad that was crowding his boyfriend.

“I suggest you back the fuck off,” Dean snarled. 

The man looked over his shoulder at Dean

“Why don’t you get out of here,” he said instead. “I don’t think you know who you’re dealing with.”

“I don’t give a fuck who you are, and I’m not gonna ask again so why don’t you do yourself a favor and leave,” Dean’s voice was dripping venom.

“Who do you think you are, telling me what to do?” he came back with, turning fully to face Dean.

“I’m his boyfriend and if you don’t leave I’m gonna be the one to kick your ass.” The man just laughed making Dean even angrier.

“You? Why don’t you just run along and let me show him what a real man feels like hmm?” He laughed some more and Dean heard Cas whimper.

That was the final straw.

Dean punched the guy in the face with all the strength he had, satisfied with the crunching noise when his fist met jaw. The guy looked shocked for a second but recovered quickly. He raised his own fist, and Dean was preparing to block him, when a new voice rang out.

“Stop it right now!” The voice commanded and they both looked over to see a woman behind the counter holding a shotgun.

“He started it Maggie,” The man tried to defend himself, the woman--Maggie--scuffed in response.

“I saw what happened, so I suggest you get out, your can come back for your clothes later,” she said, a look in her eye that said he better listen or she would shoot him. He grumbled but decided not to test her and left.

Once he was gone Dean’s full attention went to Cas who was still pressed against the wall. He rushed over and and cradled Cas’s face in his palms.

“Cas, baby, are you okay?” He asked, looking into his eyes. 

Cas let out a shaky breath and nodded. Dean removed his hand from his face and wrapped Cas up in a hug.

“You boys alright?” Maggie asked a few moments later. Dean broke the hug and faced her.

“Yeah I think we’ll be okay thanks.”

“No problem. That Phil is always causing trouble somewhere, he’s known for it. I would’ve stopped you guys sooner but to be honest Phil deserves a good punch now and again.” Dean chuckled at that and slung his arm around Cas’s shoulders. He thanked her once again before going over to Sam who was smirking.

“Satisfied?” He said. Dean glared at him.

“Here, go wash your sheets,” Dean said, taking some quarters out of his pocket and shoving them in Sam’s hand, then he steered Cas over to their bags and removed his hand from Cas’s shoulder and handed the shorter man some quarters of his own.

Cas accepted them with a quiet ‘thank you’ and picked up his bag to bring it to an empty washing machine that was across and down two to the left of Dean’s.

Dean sighed and began pulling the dirty clothes from his bag and shoved them into the machine with a little more force than was necessary.

He kept one eye on Cas and was only half paying attention to what he was throwing in the machine but he stopped when he noticed pulled out a plain white t-shirt, noticing that it was too small to be his. It was crammed into a corner along with a pair of pants and boxers that were also not his. 

He figured Cas accidentally put them in his bag, he has a habit of mixing them up and it wasn't the first time he had found Cas's clothes mixed in with his.

Shrugging he just threw them in with his, however a spot of red caught his eye and he paused. They were Cas's plain white boxers and upon closer examination he realized that the spot of red was blood.

How the hell Dean thought as he glanced back and forth between the boxers and Cas. 

Suddenly it clicked. The way Cas had been distant, the way he would tense or freeze up when Dean would touch him, how he was deathly afraid of the douchebag that was just in his face and his reluctance to talk to him. All of it made sense now, there was only one way for Cas to end up with blood on his boxers and he knew it wasn't from him, he was always gentle with Cas and Cas always told him if it was too much, plus they hadn't been intimate in weeks.

He fixed his gaze on Cas, anger unlike he had ever felt before coursed through his veins. Anger not at Cas but at who ever dared lay a finger on him, on his Cas. 

A sound close to a growl escapes his lips and Cas snapped his head up at the noise. He looked confused for a moment until he saw what Dean was holding, his body went stiff with fear.

"Sam," Dean called out through gritted teeth, barely containing any control and keeping his eyes locked on the frightened man.

"Yeah," his brother called back, tone weary. 

"Do you think that you could finish this on your own? I need to talk to Cas." Dean had his hands clenched, still holding the boxers in his right fist, and they started to shake as Dean dot the urge to punch something, or someone.

“Uh, sure, man. Go take care of whatever you need, I’ll finish up.”

Dean didn’t bother replying he just indicated with his head for Cas to follow him, which he did after a moments hesitation. He assumed that if he didn’t Dean would just drag him out anyway.

Castiel’s heart was beating so fast he thought it was going to explode right out of his chest. He knew this was it. 

How could he have been so stupid and careless to put his soiled clothes in the wrong bag? That was just another reason for Dean to leave him though, he could never do anything right.

Dean didn’t say a word as he drove them to the motel, knuckles white on the steering wheel, not even attempting to hold Cas’s hand like he always does. Dean was furious and Cas could see it coming off of him in waves. And the fact that he hasn’t said anything is just making it that much worse on Cas.

Dean cut the engine when they got to the motel and got out, slamming the door behind him, making Cas wince. He watched as Dean went into the room without looking back and Cas took a few deep breaths before he went inside.

Dean’s back was turned to him and Cas could see that he was shaking. He didn’t know what to do and was afraid to go near him so he stayed put right in front of the door, waiting for Dean to speak, waiting for the inevitable.

“Cas, I’m gonna ask you a question and I would like you to answer me honestly.” Cas nodded even though he knew Dean couldn’t see him.

Not getting a verbal response didn’t deter Dean though, he knew Cas better than anyone one else and knew that he would answer him whatever he asked.

After a few breaths to calm himself some, which really didn’t work but he liked to think it did because he didn’t want to scare Cas more than he already was, he turned around to look into the blue eyes he loved so much, blue eyes that were filled with heartache along with unshed tears. 

“Cas, did,” he stopped, licked his lips and took another deep breath, “did someone hurt you?” Cas’s look of devastation and the tears spilling over his eyes was enough of an answer for him.

He had never had the desire to kill something so much in his life. 

An unfortunate lamp on the bedside table next to Dean was violently ripped from the wall where it was plugged in and thrown into the opposite wall, shattering into a million.

“Son of a bitch!” Dean yelled, grabbing anything he could and throwing it as hard as he could. Eventually he ran out of things to throw and started punching the wall, cracking the plaster and making hole after hole.

It wasn’t until he heard Cas sobbing that he finally stopped, the fight leaving him entirely as he saw Cas curled in a ball on the floor in the corner of the room.

“Shit.” He said, wanting to punch himself for neglecting Cas and just tending to his own needs.

He slowly stepped over to Cas and sat down beside him, back resting on the wall. He reached out slowly and ran his fingers through the smaller man’s hair in an attempt to calm him down. Soon enough his sobs died down and he uncurled himself, looking at Dean with watery eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” He said, voice barely a whisper. “I didn’t want it to happen, I didn’t mean for it to happen, but they just-” He broke off not being able to finish. “Please, don’t leave me,” he said instead. “I promise it will never happen again. I promise. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it to you,” He started rambling on, a constant plea begging Dean not to leave him. 

It all made Dean confused.

“Whoa, whoa, slow down,” he interrupted. “What are you talking about?”

“Someone else touched me, I was suppose to be yours and only yours, but someone else put their hands on me and made me dirty, used and soiled. I’m disgusting and I don’t get how you can even look at me. I know you’re going to want me to leave now, why would you want someone like me now.” Cas explained, tears coming back.

“Sweetheart, no. You’re not going anywhere, and I’m not just going to leave you--or make you leave. I know I can be possessive, but this was not your fault okay?” Cas didn’t answer. “Okay.” He asked again.

“But-”

“No, none of that. You were taken by force Cas, you were-” he let out a puff of air. “you were raped. It wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t your choice. And the only way you’re getting rid of me is by telling me you don’t want to be with me anymore, otherwise you’re stuck with my sorry ass.” Dean gave a small grin, trying to lighten the mood. It worked and Cas gave him a small smile of his own.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while and at some point Cas had moved his head to rest in Dean’s lap and Dean started running his hand though Cas’s hair again.

Cas was just about to fall asleep when he heard Dean speak again.

“I love you,” he said. “And just so you know, whatever you need to help you get pass this I’ll be here for you. You just have to talk to me. Promise you will?”

“I promise.” Cas said sleepily.

Dean said something else but Cas was already dead to the world, sleep coming easy now that he knew he was going to be staying and that Dean still loved him.

Dean chuckled when he noticed Cas had fallen asleep. He carried him to bed, laying him down on the covers and crawling in beside him, putting his arms around him and smiling when Cas shifted even closer to him.

In the back of his mind he knew that he had some unfinished business to take care of, but for now he was content to be with Cas like this, knowing that he was safe and secure in his arms and that no one would be able to hurt him here.

That was his last thought before he drifted off.

*~*

It took a long time for Cas to heal but eventually he did. There was still that niggling thought that perhaps Dean would change his mind and take back everything he had said, but that never happened and soon enough Cas stopped thinking it would.

There was also Sam, he was curious to find out what the real story behind Cas’s behavior was but Cas wasn’t ready to talk about it with Sam yet and Dean wouldn’t tell him, just said that if Cas wanted him to know then he would.

Sam would give the two of them looks but respected Cas’s privacy enough to not push, and for that Cas was grateful.

It took four months after Dean found out for Cas to be ready enough to come clean to Sam, and Dean was with him the whole time, hand holding his. When he finished telling him he reacted in almost the same manner as Dean, but he was able to control himself enough to not chuck things or punch any holes in the walls. 

He did, however, threaten to find the men and feed them their own spinal chords.

So he wasn’t all that surprised to wake up one morning, about a year after the incident, to find a cup of coffee with a newspaper article next it. 

Since Dean wasn’t there he knew that he must be in Sam’s room--even though Dean and Cas haven’t had sex since the incident he had made sure to get them a separate room, Cas wasn’t entirely sure why, but he wasn’t going to complain. 

He sat down at the little table and picked up the styrofoam cup, humming happily when he took a sip and it was the perfect temperature.

After a few moments he set the cup down and picked up the article with shaking hands. His hands shook as he read the words. Certain ones jumping out, like rapists, criminals, and murdered. 

There wasn’t a whole lot of detail but Castiel knew that this was Sam and Dean’s doing.

When he finished reading it he let it slip from his fingers and land on the table, a feeling of relief washing over him. He felt lighter someone, just knowing that those men would never be able to hurt him again, never be able to hurt anyone ever again.

He stared out the window and absentmindedly drank his coffee, thought’s twisting and turning around in his brain. He was lost so deep in his thoughts that he almost didn’t hear the door opening. He didn’t move a muscle though.

The sound of footsteps came closer and closer until they stopped right next to him.

“Cas,” Dean said, placing a hand on Cas’s shoulder. 

Cas turned slowly to look at Dean, eyes locking together. He could tell that Dean was nervous by the way he kept biting at his bottom lip.

Cas stood up and Dean’s hand fell away. He opened his mouth to speak but Cas didn’t give him the chance as he leaned into Dean and kissed him, hard. It was messy, wet and their teeth clashed together but it was also perfect.

Since the incident there had only been soft and gentle kisses, cut short before they could turn into anything because Cas wasn’t ready and Dean respected that. He wasn’t going to pressure Cas into anything.

Now though, Cas let it all out, let the dam break and didn’t hold back as he gave Dean a bruising kiss that was full of desire and need and want.

Dean was shocked at first but recovered quickly, returning the kiss with just as much enthusiasm, hands tangling in Cas’s hair and tugging lightly. He took advantage when Cas opened his mouth on a moan and pushed his tongue into his mouth, moaning at the pure taste of Cas.

Without breaking the kiss Cas started to push Dean back towards the bed, not stopping until Dean fell backward on it and Cas landed on top of him.

Cas brought his hands down and started to undo the buttons on Dean’s shirt. Dean broke the kiss, breathing heavy.

“Are you sure?” He panted out, he had waited for so long now but he’d wait forever if he had to.

Cas’s hands stilled and he looked at Dean, cheeks flushed, lips swollen and pupils dilated from lust.

“Yes.” He said, no hint that this wasn’t what he wanted, as he ground his erection against Dean’s.

That was all the convincing Dean needed and he groaned at the feeling before flipping them over so he was on top of Cas and started to suck at Cas’s neck and down his chest and torso, leaving small bruises in his wake.

Later on when they lay together naked and sated with Cas’s head on Dean’s chest, tucked under his chin, drawing random patterns into his skin with Dean’s arm curving protectively around him Cas knew that everything was going to be okay from here on out. 

He might not ever be able to forget what happened to him, but as long as he has Dean by side then he know’s he’ll be alright.


End file.
